#12 LONGSHLONG

Longshlong former Australian professional hockey player and superstar comes back from a year off international hockey to sign with the Muff's. A player with some of the best hands in the league will bring an added talent on and off the ice.

HOBBIES: Baby punching rampages and sipping wine while crossing his legs.

#18 WANG

Known as the freight train to some...Wang's ability to dangle the puck and his sheer size on the ice makes him one of Muff's toughest players. Get in his face and he will tune you like a piano!

HOBBIES: Piano, Ping Pong, Badminton, Math, Calculators, Reading, Hello Kitty, and other Asian things.

#97 QUEUE

Queue is by far the Muff's leading scorer! Having traded in on a lucrative career in the NHL to sign on for the Muff's, he's yet to disappoint the fans with his impressive skating abilities or nude hallway stretches before game time.

HOBBIES: Hanging out in doorways naked, repertoire of old English Flute playing music skills.

#9 PEDRO

What can we say about Pedro that hasn't already been written in the newspapers. A talented player whose clearly accepted the fact that he has to play drunk to maintain his coordination! He can be found signing autographs before the game at the local rink bar...$30 per signature or a closer deal.

HOBBIES: Smashing French Canadian bus shelters like it was a red headed step sister.

#72 BONER

Fresh out of prison again...and on a path of destruction, Boner is by far the most talent less player on the team. But for what he lacks in talent, he brings in partying! Every team needs a clown...Boner sure likes clowns - he's buried three of them before he found his salvation...the Muff Pumpers!

HOBBIES: Busting up rink banquet tables to the AC/DC classic "THUNDERSTRUCK".

#77 DICK

Soft spoken man with a deadly slapshot, Dick is an all rounded player who brings girth to the team. He may be quiet but stare into his eyes and you will feel the wrath of a million angry woman left in his wake!

HOBBIES: Staring into the souls of women, hitch hiking, prison, collecting female hair and turning them into dolls.

#10 KNOB

New to the team in the 2014 season, Knob has come out strong and hard and is a great addition to the team roster. This is Knob's year as the face of our underwear advertisement(Muff Wear Inc.), Knobs modeling career will take back seat to the Muff Pumpers run for the championships.

HOBBIES: Debating against organized religion, all things pirate.

#55 FATTY

Our fastest and freshest player from the minors, Fatty creates mayhem and disregard for the safety of others each and every shift on the ice! His youth is served with a big cold plate of recklessness on the ice. Keep you head up when Fatty's out on the ice!

HOBBIES: Egyptian art collecting, cutting the grass, anything from the 1940's.

#69 DONG

Dong is certainly Muff Pumpers loudest player, with a mouth like a pissed off Quebec truck driver, Dong knows where to stick his head in to create the famous "look no hands" goal. Dong has clearly established himself as a fortified team spokesman and general negotiator out of trouble with the law with his large vocabu.

HOBBIES: Putting something between his legs, large wheels and chains.

#24 ONE EYE

When One Eye isn't busy wheeling the ladies, he provides an essential position of the team's "pretty boy". His sheer good looks throw off the most skilled goalies and defence allowing him an effortless goal every time! A crowd favorite with the puck bunnies, One Eye once created a riot of bras and panties on the ice after a hat trick which lead to the new league bylaw of no underwear allowed by fans.

HOBBIES: Crushin' pussy

#1 STINKHAMMER

Can be best described as the red light maker, Stinkhammer is back for the 2015 season. Known to have the tightest quads in the league, Stinkhammer can get down faster than a kardashian at a rap release party.

HOBBIES: Talking with a dirty French accent, getting saucers sniped at him.

COACH

The Coach! A long lost father to some on the team, and an evil abuser of the soul to others. Coach has been providing guidance and bail for the last four years with the Muffs. Currently coach is leading the league in suspensions of coaching staff for some of the following: behind a bench drunk, fighting, nudity, peeing on center ice, peeing on a referee, peeing in a water bottle and squirting it on a referee, peeing in a water bottle and drinking it in protest, and general mischief.

HOBBIES: Watching episodes of "To Catch a Predator".

TEAM ROSTER

#4 CHUBBY

CHUBBY aka "Cousin Steve" returns effective April 16, 2015. Chubby left the team in the 2012 season to pursue a dance career as a backup dancer to Taylor Swift. Like most of Chubby's relationships it was left diseased and lonely and luckily for him the Muff Pumpers came calling for a dirty diggler(not to be confused with dangler).
HOBBIES: Being a diggler which contradicts his name(urban dictionary it), Cats lots of Cats.